Book boyfriends: the secret lovers we have between the pages of our favourite romance.

Technically we’re not being unfaithful to the man in our real life, these are fictional characters, after all.

Our hero on the white horse (or white Lamborghini because whoever heard of a romantic hero who’s poor?) who wins our hearts during the course of the romance is the embodiment of all we want in a man – he’s handsome, heroic and chivalrous.

Our hero and the heroine overcome obstacles that stand in the way and then they have their happily ever after – usually marked by a wedding day.

Yet another reason why romance novels resonate so keenly with readers is that in a moment of intellectual honesty it forces us to the truth:

Men and Women are different.

If you had any doubts about that, just get naked and check a mirror.

And it’s more than skin deep.

Anyone who claims those differences are a social construct is quite frankly deluded.

The differences between men and women are biological – right down to our DNA. No amount of making girls play with trucks and forcing boys to play with Braid-My-Hair Barbie  is going to change that.

So what happens after we turn the last page and have to get back to real life? How can this most perfect man we’ve been reading about ever exist outside the realm of our imagination (and the pens of our favourite authors)?

A couple of days ago, I wrote a strongly-worded piece about women who wax lyrical over strong, amazing romance novel heroines and yet fail to apply the lessons of grace and character into their own lives to fall into the stereotype of post-modern feminist whinger/victim.

Well life is tough in the real world and it is just is tough for men as it is for women.

Women in western countries are extraordinarily privileged at every level of their lives.

• Governments have Departments/Offices for the Status of Women (thanks for checking, my status is just fine)
• we live longer
• we are less likely to be victims of violence
• we are very much less likely to be killed or seriously injured in workplace accidents
• we have the choice to have no children or a brood of babies (and either be a stay-at-home parent with the man as the breadwinner, or have the state play husband)
• we can pursue a career of our choice
• we control the sexual agenda

Men are the butts of sexist stereotypes – the man-child, the brute, the fool – as much as women ever have been.

Worst still, sexism against the males has become institutionalised. Boys get poor reinforcement from the media (see above), from schools, which in a laudable effort to improve results for girls now poorly serves boys. Boys have reinforced to them that they are all potential rapists.

Gee, thanks a lot society.

Real life doesn’t work like our romantic world – there are still bills to pay and life to live which makes the euphoric, ‘we’ve just fallen in love’ feeling with the man in our life a lot more difficult to sustain.

So if you want your significant other to be more like your beloved hero, then let me tell me give you a few tips that he won’t give you himself.

• He’s not going to talk about his feelings so stop it. Stop it now. He’s not wired that way – he’s going to express himself through actions, so tune into them.
• Respect him for who he is. He’s not a joke, he’s not a frustrating dweeb, nor is he your emotional punching bag because you’ve had a bad day (that’s domestic violence). He’s a human being deserving of the same respect you are because he is.
• Respect him for what he does. This is key. He may not be the CEO, the billionaire playboy or the Duke. But he is a hard working man doing is very best to provide for his family. Thank him every now and again. Acknowledge what he brings to the relationship.
• Be his friend and lover. He needs to know you have his back. He does not want you whiteanting him to your girlfriends.

Lastly, this is my tip to you:

Be the strong, empowered heroine – the one who works in partnership with her man – each bringing their very best to a relationship that will last Happily Ever After.

*Post especially dedicated to my romantic hero – my darling husband of 20 years who supports my writing (by editing, and writing synopses, [God bless him] as well as listening to plots). All of my heroes – Sir James Mitchell in Moonstone Obsession, Baron Sebastian de la Croix in Warrior’s Surrender and the Honourable Daniel Ridgeway in Moonstone Conspiracy are based on various aspects of his character.